Down here in the South there is an understanding that as long as you preface your statement with “bless your/his/her heart” you can follow it up with whatever you want, no matter how disparaging it may be.
While “bless your heart” has become cliché, and no longer has any real meaning, there is real value behind this concept. If you really love someone, then the criticism should come from a desire to help them. It will then be couched in constructive terms and presented in a loving manner that is designed to have the maximum positive outcome.
We find this idea reflected in the Torah. One of the worst consequences in the Torah is when a person is afflicted with Tzara’at (a leprosy-like skin condition that was brought upon a person because of “lashon hara” - negative speech). A person with Tzara’at was not only designated to be ritually impure, but they were also required to be separated from anyone else in the community, including their family, until the affliction passed. In a society that values community, this separation is particularly painful.
We find something fascinating about the process of Tzara’at designation. The laws are quite complex. The lesions of the skin that are considered Tzara’at are very specific. There are many lesions that are similar but do not render a person ritually impure with Tzara’at. Only an expert can truly identify the criteria for this designation. Yet, even if an expert has positively identified the conditions associated with Tzara’at, only a Kohen can pronounce this designation. The Kohen should (if he is not an expert) accept guidance from the expert, but the power to designate someone as impure due to Tzara’at, is the Kohen’s alone.
Why is this so? Because a Kohen was appointed by G-d to be the source of loving blessings and kindness for the people of Israel. The text of the introductory blessing that is recited before the “Priestly Blessings” given by the Kohen is, “Who commanded us to bless His nation Israel with love.” When love is the underlying motivation, the Kohen will do everything in his power to make sure that the person is really deserving of this designation before actually pronouncing them impure. He will work equally hard to see the process of purification through to the end so that the person can rejoin his family and community.
The lesson for us is obvious. Before we offer criticism or point out the flaws of another, we must make sure that we are motivated by love for the other and not our own internal rot, that requires us to push others down to feel elevated. The best proof will be how our words are received. A heart feels a heart. Words that come from the heart enter the heart of the other in the same manner. Love reflects love.
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi Mendel Rivkin